


Near Loss

by snafumoofins



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attack, Spoilers, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 06:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9223142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snafumoofins/pseuds/snafumoofins
Summary: Percy has a panic attack after the battle with Raishan. Spoilers for ep. 80.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've always appreciated that Taliesin plays Percy realistically to the point of having panic attacks and though I'm not sure he would've chosen for Percy to have one after nearly losing Vex, I wanted to write it out because d a m n I love angst.

_Gone_.

_Gone **again**. _

Percy’s nightmares entailed of this; of Vex’ahlia, dead before Thordak, dead before Raishan, dead before the Briarwoods, dead before a multitude of creatures that have haunted him over the years.

For a moment, he finds himself baffled that each time this has happened to any of their party, things seemed to truly slow down.

This time, she'd collapsed and every fiber of his being screamed for him to **_go_** to her.

Her body rippled in his view from the pure intensity of the room’s heat. She was listless, looking like a discarded doll, in the same way she'd looked before.

_Before._

_Thatwasyourfaultthatwasyourfaultthatwasyourfaultthatwasyourfault_.

He’d had a plan before this, intended upon shooting Raishan’s eggs to disrupt _whatever_ purpose they had but now, _now_ …

He knew that if Orthax still resided within him, the smoke would have engulfed him long ago. Perhaps it would’ve coalesced into a dragon of his own, perhaps, if he had kept Orthax, this would have never happened.

His body gave a short jerk, his heart _ached_ and with little control (he was _not_ one to act upon passion; he acted upon _methodical impulse_ ) and much aggression, he roared as he shot for Raishan.

_You bitch. You won’t take her from me._

_I’ve lost her once already._

He recalls that precious breath of life she’d taken the last time, the dazzling smile upon her lips, so much different than the previous, pale grimace.

_I’ve lost myself, mind-_

He recalls the press of hand around his, imploring for him to remove his mask. He recalls how clear it was after the smoke was gone, how clear it was that he fiercely _loved_ her.

_-and body._

He remembers death, remembers that his final thoughts had been _something_ along the lines of: “ _Not now_.”

Flashes of their kiss amid the snow-capped forest, of her body, her touch, the feeling of being _one_ the previous night flooded his mind in a rapid succession, and for a brief moment, he couldn’t breathe.

But still, he held fast, knowing she would do the same for him.

 

* * *

 

Vex rose, and Scanlan fell.

In fact, nearly _all_ of them fell, save for him (he wondered if someday, they would all laugh at how they toppled like blocks).

Raishan was gone, and so was Thordak’s body along with two of the eggs they hadn’t managed to destroy.

They emerged from the hole in the ground much like duergar, squinting at the sky, ashen-faced.

Percival stood back as he watched the others, watched Grog hug Pike and Scanlan to him in either arm in a viciously loving squeeze, watched Vax console Keyleth as she spoke rapidly with a guilt-ridden expression, watched Kima glare towards the sky while Gilmore smoothed back his hair.

“ _Oh, buddy, I’m so sorry_!”

He turned his gaze to Vex at her sudden, thick-voiced declaration. She held Trinket around the neck with a grip that he doubted Raishan could break, her hands clenched into his fur.

Trinket looked to him and for a moment, he knew that the bear understood that _she_ needed that hug more than _he_ needed the hug from her.

For a moment, Percy wondered if this time, it was different for her, if perhaps, this time, she felt less triumphant and more _afraid._

She’d _died_.

The reminder seeped up into the back of his throat in the form of bile and suddenly, the heat of Thordak’s outer lair seemed to be _drowning_ him alive.

He could hardly hear any of the voices around him, couldn't think past anything but Vex, dead, and his inability to  _breathe_.  He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose with a grimy finger and briskly walked away.

Faintly, he heard Vex call for him, but he kept walking.  He needed _away_.

As he walked, self-loathing swarmed.

He was a complete _child_ , stamping off from their friends because of a _fit of panic.  
_

Never had he seen something like this happen to Grog, to Vax.

He was _weak_.

He should be comforting Vex, not _requiring_ comfort.

The image of Vex’s body lifted into his mind once more and he stopped in his tracks, reaching up with a trembling hand to touch his temple, to will the thoughts to _end_.

_She’saliveshe’saliveshe’salive-_

**_Shediedshediedshediedshe-_ **

“ _Percival_.”

Vex'ahlia's voice cut through his booming thoughts and immediately, they dissipated.

He glanced up in time to see the faint, hesitant smile on her lips disappear.

He was only hurting her. He was selfish. _Horrible. **Deplorab** -_

“You’re crying,” Vex softly breathed, her brow suddenly knitting in confusion.

Her confusion was enough for him to willingly allow a tear to slide down his dirty face. She wasn’t _used_ to people beyond her brother caring so deeply, just like him. Even after the first time she died, after the tears shed from Keyleth, Pike, Vax…she _still_ didn’t understand her value.

He opened and shut his mouth a few times, his body feeling horribly cold, despite the heat.

“Please, say something,” Vex pleaded, worriment replacing the reverent incredulity in her eyes.

Percy shifted his shaking hand to the one of the temples of his spectacles, failing miserably  at gripping onto the thin wire to try to remove his spectacles.

“Here,” her voice soothed over his confused, mostly hurt emotions like a balm, her warm, warm hand pressing lightly against his for a moment to shift it away so she could remove his spectacles with either hand gripping them by the frame.

She carefully folded them and tucked them in a pocket of his jacket before she looked to him. “Everything is fucked up in the long run, but for now…things are _fine_ ,” she insisted, squaring her shoulders a bit, trying to appear confident. He didn't miss the glimmer of hesitation in her eyes, though. “Percival, do you really think after our previous talks, our kisses, our... _everything..._ that I’d let _anyone_ take me from you again or take you from me?”

And all at once, he broke. His body jolted with soft, compressed sobs, his knees buckling beneath him. His family. His siblings. His parents. He’d only just learned, from his own death, to let her in, to stop feeling worried that he'd bring ruin by loving her only for _this_ to happen.

 “T-T-That’s the very thing,” he quickly stammered out, unable to fully inhale, unable to even _understand_ what he was feeling right now. “I _did_ lose you again, Vex’ahlia,” full of self-loathing, he swiped his arm across his damp face taking a shallow, shaking breath as he struggled to _cease_ the emotion.

Vex stood still for a moment, swallowing hard before she sank to her knees in front of him and roughly grabbed his shoulders, all but _slamming_ him against her as she held him tightly, _so tightly._  

“Gods be fucking _damned_ , Percy, I’m _not_ going anywhere, _ever_. Nor are you,” she fiercely grit out, her breath tickling his ear. “We’ve come too far and we’ll face the fucking _sun_ if we must, but I’m not letting either of us die,” she drew back, disappointment bubbling in his chest as she slid her arms from him, but vanishing once they cupped his face, “Do you hear me, Percival? _Fuck_ death.”

Her hands are warm as they hold his face and slowly, he takes a steady, calm breath. “Fuck death,” he somberly agrees, eyes lolling shut as she strokes a hand through his sweat-drenched hair.

Percy feels completely and horribly guilty, grinding his teeth for a moment before he’s standing, glaring down at the ground. “I’m sorry. I-I’m horribly selfish to have reacted like that.”

Vex, being Vex, rolled her eyes, standing with a wince. With little hesitation, she punched him in the gut. Percy gave a grunt in response, staggering back a step before looking to her with incredulous eyes.

“If you apologize one more time I’ll aim lower,” she warned, eyes flaring.

For the first time in what felt like decades, Percy managed a smile, “Yes ma’am,” he says with a slight bow.

A cheshire grin worked its way upon Vex’s lips as she reaches out to grip the lapels of his jacket, drawing him in for a kiss.

It’s a kiss that completely fills his lungs with _peace_ , one that starts off soft, but turns into something desperate, scared, _needy_.

“Jesus, we could’ve _died_ and you’re doing… _this_?”

Percy drew back, cheeks tinged pink beneath the grime as he spotted Kashaw stepping over some nearby rubble, Zahra in tow with a grin and a chipped horn.

There is no witty comeback from Vex as she all but _throws_ herself at Zahra, babbling on about how grateful she was for her arrow (despite the failed use of the other).

Slowly, Percy pulled his glasses from his pocket and pushed them on, looking around at the disarray with clarity and taking a slow breath.

He glanced over his shoulder at the others in the distance before returning his gaze to Vex, who's enveloped in a tight squeeze from Zahra.

Percival jolted as he felt a hard nudge to his hip, nearly toppling over.

He glanced behind him, and then down, to find Trinket, sitting with an expectant look in his eyes.

"Do you expect me to hug you as well?" Percy slowly questioned, to which Trinket wuffed.

"That would be horribly undignified of me," he countered, but slowly, he sat beside Trinket in the rubble, resting a hand upon his side as both watched Vex, animatedly catch Kashaw and Zahra up on their current situation.

"Fuck death," Percy said, his shoulders relaxing as he watched her, so energetic, so _alive_.

Trinket boofed in agreement before resting his head atop Percival's.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so fucking episode 80 was a RIDe. Like. Holy shit, VM was falling like bowling pins and I was crying the whole time and I'm so relieved all's well (for now, well, not really, but they're alive, yay). I'm so excited for the conversations that will come after the events of the episode. 
> 
> I really hope you all enjoyed :)


End file.
